Harry Potter and the Spirits Bathhouse
by xtappycatx
Summary: Harry and Ron go to there second year at hogwarts, but due to a silly mistake they end up someplace else.Will they survive. . .
1. Nine and One Quarter?

**Harry Potter and the Spirits Bathhouse **

**Chapter 1**

**Nine and one quarter?**

"Come on Harry, we're going to be late!" said Ron, his ginger hair flashing in the sun.

Harry, having just woken up, realised it was his first day at Hogwarts school for witches and wizards! As happy as a lark he got dressed and readied himself downstairs with the rest of the Weasleys.

Ron's Dad, Arthur weasley had rented a magic car to get them to the station. "Right kids; remember to get off at nine and three quarters, OK!" said Mr Weasley with a wide grin on his face.

"Nine and three quarters," said Ron with a look of shock, "Hermione told me they had changed it to nine and one quarter. Apparently another magic train took there place."

"Don't listen to her! I've been doing this for seven years now; I think I know which platform it is." said Arthur, the vein in his neck popping out.

After a three hour drive the boys had reached there destination. Hermione was ill so she would come after Christmas. Ron and Harry wished Arthur goodbye. Arthur Weasley hugged them both and drove back to the burrow. Harry and Ron, being as obedient as they are, took the nine and three quarter train.

**Chapter 2**

**The one-way ride to a bath-house **

Harry and Ron were sitting in the third row. They could see everyone's face and everyone could see them. There were two things which Harry noticed was wrong straight away. The first one was that he was told there would be compartments, but it looked more like a train you would find in the underground. The second thing was that he expected to see other children as well, but in there place were ghostly type men who looked like spirits.

"Ron, are you sure we took the right train. This doesn't seem like it?" said Harry, with a worried expression on his face. Ron on the other hand had been looking out of the window, thinking about home, but when he heard Harry's comment it made him worry. "I'm not sure we did." Said Ron as calmly as he could, but Harry, being Ron's best friend, could sense that he was terrified. "Well we can do nothing now but wait"

Said Harry who was also terrified ,and could think of nothing else but his dead parents.

When the ride had got to the first stop, they both got off trying to blend in with the crowd, but the harsh fact was there was none. All they could see was a building, a pig pen and loads of bushes. They were walking keeping their heads down when suddenly they bumped into something. They both were definite that this was the end of them.

**Chapter 3**

**The boiler man and his soot of many wonders**

"Hi, I'm Meta, or at least I think I am." Said the thing they bumped into. At once both of them could tell that he was friendly but they didn't dare use their real names. "Well, I'm Neville and this is Wolfgang. We're lost and we are hoping to go to Hogwarts. Is there any chance that you may know the way replied Harry ( or Neville), feeling rather pleased with himself. Meta was shocked when he said Hogwarts. At that moment Harry thought he was going to die.

"You mean the Hogwarts with Albus Dumbledore as head teacher?" whispered Meta.

"That's the one!" Whispered Ron (or Wolfgang) back.

"If anyone finds out you are from Hogwarts they are going to kill you!" Whispered Meta, almost threateningly." There may be someone who can help you. His name is the boiler man. Just act normal and do whatever I say." Harry and Ron being as obedient as they are followed Meta into a room which smelled like smoke and soot, and in the chair at the heart of the flames was the boiler man.

Harry realised that the boiler man had 8 arms but other then that he looked as normal as everyone else. He then noticed the floor. It was ordinary other than thousands of black soot balls with legs and arms holding a black rock which was much too heavy for them to carry. "You can stay here tonight but if you plan to survive and get a ticket back you'll need a job here. Oh well, we'll speak more about that tomorrow, but right now you need rest."

**Chapter 4**

**Deciding the jobs**

After a well earned rest, sleeping with the soot balls, they both woke up the next morning feeling alert and ready to do everything. The boiler man told them everything about how they would see a smurf queen and have to beg to get a job and how to not get turned into a pig or coal. One of the maids who the boiler man trusted was asked to guide them to where they needed to go. Her name was Yatilda." Alright, Boiler man asked me to escort you to Smatella so follow me and do exactly what I do, OK.

Harry and Ron had no idea how high this place was. They climbed so many stairs until finally they reached the top to find a psychedelic-looking corridor.

They would have commented on how it looks but they were to scared to, just in case it may affect there job and turn them into pigs, or even worse, coal! "Well I have to go now, good luck!" said Yatilda in a calm charming voice, while she left to go back down the stairs.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" said a voice they both had heard before.

To shocked to even jump back in fright, they heard the voice again." Looks like I'll have to force you to."

Without another word they felt the collar of there shirts being pulled in the direction they were supposed to go. Seconds seemed like hours and at last they arrived.

They looked up to see the smurf queen or who they finally recognised as Bellatrix leStrange.

It was obvious she didn't recognise them; after all, Hermione had wiped her memory.

"What is it that you bothered me for" asked Bellatrix who is obviously known as Smatella – The smurf queen.

"We want a job and we want one now please!" said Harry

"Why should I give you one, after all you are just human?"

"Please, oh please give us a job please madam!" Screamed Harry, in tears.

"That is one of the reasons I'm not giving you a job- because you have feelings!"

"Please Ma'am, please!"

Then Smatella screeched "I'LL GIVE YOU A JOB YOU WHINY BRAT! But I'm not sure about Rupert in the corner."

After that she pointed her wand at Ron and he vanished into thin air.

Harry was heart-broken, after all; he was the only friend he trusted. But Harry was smart. He knew if he broke out crying he would end up just like Ron. He stayed strong in heart and said " Thank you for giving me a job."

"Very well, now tell me what your name is?"

"Neville"

"Its mine now, from now on you will be known as Yakama, Now lets see what job shall I give you ,ummmm, I know you can be Yatilda's assistant, after all she always pestered me about getting one . Now go find her, and enjoy your new job."

Yakama left through the psychedelic corridor in a hope to find Yatilda.

**TO BE CONTINUED . . .**


	2. Bath tokens!

**Chapter 5**

**Bath tokens!**

Yakama wandered through the building in a hope to find Yatilda. He knew she was a maid as she had tended to the boiler man last night. Yakama still had Ron in mind. How he missed him and hoped he was Ok. After endless hours of roaming the building he found her, her red hair like a silky wine?

"Yakama," exclaimed Yatilda, "What are you doing here?"

"Smatella told me that my job was to be your assistant!" panted Yakama, after running around the bathhouse!

"Well, I always wanted one. Why don't you complete your first task by collecting some bath tokens?"

Yakama, being as obedient as he was, did what Yatilda told him and went to collect the tokens, but there was one problem… he didn't know where they were!

After half a day of searching he found the stall he was searching he found the stall he was looking for!

"Excuse me, sir, can you possibly lend me a token in behalf of Yatilda." pleaded Yakama.

"Get lost kid. I only _serve_ people worth serving *guffaw*!" said the seller while giving one to a maid.

Then out of nowhere a ghost with a million faces came out of the wall. It was dressed with what seemed to be a black cloak and each one of its faces had a different expression.

The ghost then seemed to distract the seller and gestured for Yakama to take the bath tokens from the desk. Not knowing what to do, Harry took one and walked away trying not to look suspicious.


	3. The Sludge Monster

**Chapter 6**

**The Sludge Monster (Part 1)**

"Yakama, have you got the bath tokens?" said Yatilda, with a puzzled face.

"Here you go!" said Yakama, handing her the golden piece of paper.

"Thanks! Hey, how about you try washing our first customer? Just wait here and when I give you the thumbs up go to the baths. I'll guide you along the way."

"Yatilda!" screeched a voice he hadn't heard in a long time.

"Yes Smatella."

"Our first customer of the day has arrived and he's a _bit more _than stinky."

Then, out of the corner of her eye she saw Yakama.

"How about we let _him_ handle it?" Said Smatella with a devious look.

"You!" said Smatella with a devious look, "Go to the baths. Our first guest will be

waiting inside."

Yakama, being as obedient as he was, went to the baths . . . having no clue what to

do.

When he arrived he could see that nearly everyone in the house had there eyes on the thing in the bath. Yakama then settled his eyes on the bath to realise it was a sludge type thing.

"*Gasp*. It's a sludge monster!"

**TO BE CONTINUED. . .**


	4. The Sludge Monster part 2

* I was thinking of an annoying girl when I wrote this chapter.*

**Chapter 7**

**The Sludge Monster ( Part 2)**

"*Gasp*. It's a sludge monster!"

Yakama soon gathered that those species of creatures needed baths very often, and then, almost as if everything in the world was going wrong he realised it was extremely rude!

"What r u hangin' aroun' there 4! Now get ur lazy a* up here and scrub me. Oh sorry, where r my manners. I shoul' tell u wha' 2 do!" said the sludge monster sarcastically !

"Insert the token in the slit in the wall and then pull the lever!" whispered Yatilda.

Yakama , being as obedient as he was ( and also not wanting to be sweared at) but the token into the slit in the wall and then pulled the lever.

All of a sudden a tube thing slipped out of the roof and for a second it did nothing, but after that second ,gallons and gallons of hot, steaming water poured in the bath and you could just hear faintly the sludge monster going "ah" in a relaxed happy way !

After all the water had poured out of the chute everyone was expecting it to be sparkling clean and alas . . . it was!

"I'm Clean!" exclaimed the sludge monster who now looked like a floating skull!

Without another word the monster was off ,sparkling clean.


	5. Meanwhile at the Pigpen

**Chapter 8**

**Meanwhile at the Pigpen**

Yakama was pleased. He finally managed to clean his first guest, an especially challenging sludge monsters which only come to the bathhouse every 10 yrs, as Yatilda told him! He was happily walking along the corridor when he suddenly thought "What must Ron be doing? After all it has been 2 months till the last time I saw him." Yakama stood for a moment shrugged his shoulders and carried on walking down the corridor whistling spring, Vivaldi!

#~~~~~~+=Meanwhile ,2 miles away at a pigpen=+~~~~~~#

Ron was asleep or unconscious if you like and when he woke up his eyesight was fuzzy and black & white. He sat up and tried to flatten his hair only to find two things

No.1 there was no hair

No.2 He could barely reach his head

"Oink" ( or huh!(shock) in English)

And with that one word he gathered he had been turned into a pig!

He stood up on his on "all four" and looked around. He suddenly realised a group of pigs were surrounding him

"We have been expecting you Ronald Weasley" said a voice which was familiar and sounded like a serpent."

"Snape!" said Ron "Wait, if that's you, who are the others?"

"You may know them as Lupin and sirrius!" said Snape making it very clear which one was which!

Ron who was now shocked at who else was turned into a pig became even more shocked when she saw Smatella walking round the corridor mentioning a familiar face.

"Rest well my pretties. Very soon the headmaster of Hogwarts will specially select you and you will be put out of your misery by the elves in the kitchen!" soothed Smatella in a calm relaxed voice. Without another word she was off into the night!

"OMG!" cried Ron breathing heavily! "Were all going to be eaten by Hogwarts, were doomed were doomed were d-."

"Calm down Ron. There's nothing to worry about let us explain first though." Said Sirrius.

"-oomed!" replied Ron


	6. The Explanation

**Chapter 9**

**The Explanation**

"So, first things first, and that is how me, Lupin and Sirius ended up here! Us three are all secretly friends when we are not around Harry. So ,one day we were walking along the road and we saw the pigpen! Snape, being as childish as he is, used his wand to send the pig flying up in the air and get abducted by Tony the alien! So there we were, laughing our heads off, until suddenly Smatella, the smurf queen, walked by and saw the pig suspended in the air. Without a doubt, she turned us into pigs and never looked at us in the eye again!"

"So it turned out that me, Lupin and Snape were the only English people there and then if things couldn't any worse, Kiichiro Osoreda (the bus jacker in death note) decided to walk by with a revolver in his hand! Thankfully he wasn't interested pigs and just walked away singing "Tra la la ala la!" Ignorer the bus jacker us three were really scared and various questions like "Will we survive?" or "Will we stay in this form forever?" popped into our head."

"Anyway we were thinking all these questions until suddenly you pop out from the sky and fall at our knees! Anyway, all this happened two months ago and now you wake up and presently we are explaining what happened in these 2 months! Also, we thought you might want to know the fact that you are the chosen one, not Harry Potter." ended Lupin.

"Uhhhh . . . Can you repeat please!" queried Ron.

"No!" answered Snape, "You'll learn as we go along in life. Now to explain our plan about avoiding getting picked by Dumbledore! What we have to do is make sure that we are not isolated and are in a group of large pigs. Also we have to speak as much as possible as every time we speak it sounds like an "Oink" to a human but everytime we "Oink" it sounds like hello in human language! Now the reason we have to speak a lot is because Dumbledore hates noise and he'll avoid anything that makes a lot of noise."

" But there is a way this plan can be flawed," explained Lupin " Normally Dumbledore comes with two select students, normally they are the smartest in the first and last year. Now if Dumbledore thinks we are perfect for eating , even if we make the most noise out of all the pigpen, He would ask one of the select students to pick us up, gag us, and give it to the house elf with a cart!"

"Also ,to add with the conversation," said Sirrius with a frown on his face "if Dumbledore thinks wee absolutely perfect for eating and must be eaten fresh, he would gag us and take us to the bathhouse to be killed and eaten by the staff , select students and himself! If we do get eaten instantly we are under extreme surveillance so there is no escaping. If you do get picked, and every year at least five pigs have that fate, it is almost like walking to the guillotine!"

"I," said Ron "have a couple of questions to ask you! First of all, how do you guys know all this stuff?"

"I can speak Spanish and I asked one of the Spanish pigs all these questions, also Smatella once explained all of this at night when she thought I was asleep."

"Secondly, where and what do we eat and where do we sleep?"

"We eat at a little corner in the bathhouse and we sleep and go to toilet where we are standing presently!"


	7. The NoFaced Monster  REVEALED

**Chapter 10**

**The No-Faced Monster REVEALED**

Yakama was skipping down the corridor toward Yatilda's quarters.* skip-pety skip-ety skip* went Yakama without a care in the world. Suddenly as Yakama was skipping he skipped in a door. He realised that he looked like a complete idiot and several people were staring at him silently. Yakama's face turned into a tomato and she sprinted to Yatilda like she was never outside her quarter's doors!

"Hello Yakama! It's a pleasure to see you today. I'm sorry no one else is here to meet you but . . . I kinda scared them off!" said . . . the no-faced monster!

"!" said Yakama edging towards the door . . . But the monster had beat him to it and he fell in the monsters slimey trail!

"Wh-h-h-h-ooo-oo ar-ar-aa-a-a-re y-o-ou?" stammered Yakama.

"Please child! Do not be scared! Stand up and let me reveal to you who I really am!"

Yakama stood up and bottled up his fear. The monster took off its first mask. It was Harrys

mother. The monster took off its second mask. It was Harrys Dad. The monster took off its third mask. It was Hagrid. The monster took off its fourth and final mask ( which would probably reveal its true identity) . It was . . . Ron!

"Harry!" said Ron in his high tone of voice.

"Ron!" replied Harry, "What did Smatella do to you?"

"You'll see!" said Ron removing . . . Harrys Mums, Dads and Hagrids face ?

It turned out that the three inanimate people were actually . . . Lupin, Snape and Sirrius!

"Ron! Couldn't you have hurried up that really brief speech up a bit. How I do hate being stuck in those masks with those two blithering brain-dead buffoons!" said Snape with a large scowl on his face.

"And that's how the chicken came first!" said Sirrius.

"No, that's how evolution works?"

"No , the chicken came first!"

"No Evolution came first!"

"CHICKEN!"

"EVOLUTION"

"CHICKEN"  
>"EVOLUTION"<p>

"CHIC-"

"SHUT UP YOU BLITHERING BUFFOONS!" exploded Snape.

And with that everyone fell silent for 5 minutes.

"So Harry," said Ron, "I'm guessing you're thinking how we ended up here?"

"Well actually, I'm not. But carry on!" said Harry.

"Well it all started with . . ."

~~~20 minutes later~~~

"So when those three were explaining what happened every day as a routine, some pretty lady walked by. We didn't catch her name but instead we continued talking. She noticed us and ran towards us. We were petrified but we then realised that she meant no harm to us.

Instead she put all of us in a wheelbarrow and made us wear a costume. She then chanted a spell and she died herself. I then realised her name was "Yatilda".Then you walked in and I started speaking words, I dint even know the meaning of."

"Wow!" said Yakama (but let's call him Harry for the moment),"I didn't realise you went through so much to get here. But now that you're here what do you say we escape?I mean, well let's face it, I'm sure we all don't want to be stuck here forever!"

"Harry?" said Ron, "Didn't the boilerman say anything about "buying a train ticket" before?

"He did aswell!" said Harry, "But he also said they are VERY expensive. Also we're going to need 5!

*thud Thud THUD*

"Someone's coming Harry!" said Ron. "Harry, you're known around here! You stay and do the talking! The rest of you . . . HIDE FOR YOUR LIVES!"

As quick as light Ron and co. were practically gone . . . and it was a good thing as those footsteps were Smatellas!

"Harry!" said Smatella. "Just the person I wanted to see!"


End file.
